Making the Kurds Comfortable

In the previous section, we dealt with some very serious basic issues of attitude and suggested an approach with the Kurds that is a fairly strict and rigid presentation and enforcement of the resettlement system.

At the same time, it should be remembered that the Kurds are human beings who have left their homelands with a minimum of belongings, and who are faced with a new and complex culture in which they must change their own thinking or be perpetually at odds with their new countrymen. There is much that can be done that does not soften the impact of the all-important civics lessons, but does ease the Kurds' transition and makes them feel more welcome and at home. In the paragraphs below, we suggest a number of ways in which the Kurds' American friends can make them feel more welcome and at home.

In reading these suggestions, bear in mind that we are talking about traditional Kurds: the grandmothers and grandfathers and rural wives included in the families of those who worked directly with westerners. If you aim your day-to-day considerations only at these older people, the younger ones might become impatient; on the other hand, by assuming that all the Kurds are as familiar with our customs as are the ones directly employed by western agencies, you might overlook doing a simple kindness that will make a homesick old woman feel that life in America might be livable after all.

Materials prepared for the earlier wave of Iraqi Arab refugees can be used by the Kurds as well.

Written Materials
Service providers will naturally want to take advantage of the various materials that have been written to inform refugees about aspects of American life, and it would seem reasonable to think about translating such materials into Kurdish. Remember, however, that the Iraqi Kurds are as comfortable reading Arabic as they are with Kurdish, and that materials prepared for the earlier wave of Iraqi Arab refugees can be used by the Kurds as well.

There is also the problem, discussed below in the section on language, that Kurdish Americans who would be the most likely translators of material might use the roman alphabet for Kurdish, which the Iraqi Kurds have great difficulty with.

Names
Many bureaucratic problems can be avoided by paying a little extra attention to your Kurdish friends' names and how they are spelled. Kurds traditionally did not have last names parallel to ours, but over the last century they have adopted them as required by the governments of the countries they have lived in. Most of the educated Iraqi Kurds have adopted the Arabic pattern of taking one's father's name as one's middle name and the tribal name (or a geographical name) as the last name. Other Kurds have simply taken on the geographical or tribal name as a last name, or have adopted as a family name a grandfather's or great-grandfather's first name (somewhat parallel to our many names ending in -son).

A problem that is very likely to arise as the Kurds are resettled in this computerized society is that they will be inconsistent about the spelling of their names. This casualness is the result of several factors, the major one being that their names are being transliterated from an alphabet that doesn't represent all the vowels, into our spelling system with its several ways to represent vowels. (Do you spell [saïd], for example, as Saeed or Said or Saheed or Sahid or Sayeed or Sayid?)

Our naming patterns should be carefully explained, including:

• the fact that American women follow different customs with regard to taking their husband's last name on marriage (Kurdish women do not, and should be warned that many Americans will call them "Mrs. [husband's last name]" or list them by their husbands' names);
• our use of initials for first and middle names;
• our alphabetical listing of people by their last names; and, most importantly,
• the fact that computers will not "recognize" a name that is not spelled exactly the same way every time.

It might also prevent a host of problems to work individually with each Kurd to establish the name he or she wants to use, work out a consistent spelling, and show the different ways the name might appear in lists, for example, last name, first name or last name, first initial, second initial.

Equipping a Bathroom
One of the very strict Muslim customs with regard to cleanliness is that of washing with water after using the toilet. Most Muslims are very uncomfortable with the notion of toilet paper and with the lack in western bathrooms of a clean water supply directly attached to the toilet. Probably the most humane gesture you can make to a newly-arrived Kurdish family is to provide them with some convenient way to wash while sitting on the toilet. In American bathrooms where sinks can be inconveniently far from the toilet, the Kurdish solution to the problem in places with no running water can be adapted: a vase (unbreakable) with a narrow neck, kept filled with clean water and placed by the toilet. Kurdish women can also be shown that all public rest rooms include sinks and that a plastic squeeze bottle carried in one's purse can be filled at such a sink when necessary.

Kurds are not heavy meat eaters, but rely on vegetables and grain.

Food and Drink
The Kurds are not heavy meat eaters, but rely more on vegetables and grains. Like other Muslims, they eat lamb and mutton, and sometimes beef, but mostly in conjunction with rice and vegetables, in pilafs and in dishes parallel to our stews. Staple grains are rice and bulghur (a kind of wheat kernel somewhat akin to Cream of Wheat) and a flat bread baked on the sides of a tandoor or circular oven. Tandoor-style Indian, Pakistani, and Afghan restaurants have cropped up in recent years in bigger cities in the United States, and bread like the Kurds make is often available there. Vegetables include summer squash, cucumbers, tomatoes, and parsley-like greens. Fruit is appreciated, with watermelon (eaten with knife and fork) a favorite. Salt, pepper, cumin, and garlic are common spices; hot peppers are used sparingly, and cooking oil is used with enthusiasm.

Plain yogurt is another staple, along with cheese. Kurdish families are likely to want to make their own yogurt, a simple process that depends on a live yogurt culture which is added to milk and causes it to ferment. Our whole milk is generally unacceptable for yogurt—it is too rich in fat—but 1% or 2% milk is fine.

Kurds drink tea—lots of it, heavily sweetened, occasionally by means of a sugar cube held under the tongue. In the Middle East, tea is drunk in small glasses (with a small spoon placed in the glass to keep it from breaking when hot tea is poured into it) which can sometimes be found in Middle Eastern grocery stores in the United States.

It will be a great help to your Kurdish friends if you show them where they can buy rice and bulghur in bulk. Middle Eastern grocery stores are likely to carry varieties of both that are familiar to the Kurds. A source for yogurt or the wherewithal to make their own will be appreciated. Finding a substitute for the flat bread should not be a challenge: Afghan flat bread or pita is acceptable.

Greens vary widely between here and the Middle East. Kurdish women might have to try a number of kinds before finding one they like. When the time comes, and if the Kurds can find a source of seeds, you might assist them in planting an herb garden.

Other necessary staples include tomato paste, which is diluted and cooked with vegetables, and whatever cooking oil a particular cook prefers. Olive oil is the standard oil throughout the Middle East, but many Kurds have not been able to afford it and might have gotten used to using butter or other kinds of oil.

If there is an Arabic, Turkish, Persian, or Afghan restaurant or kabob shop in town, Kurds will undoubtedly find many familiar dishes, and a conversation with the proprietor might yield valuable suggestions as to where desired foodstuffs can be bought locally and cheaply.

Kurds, like other Muslims and like Jews, as a rule do not eat pork. They should be warned that our processed meats might include pork, and taught all the words (ham, bacon, pork, etc.) that refer to pork cuts or products. They should also be shown how to look for phrases like "all beef" that indicate hot dogs and the like that do not contain pork.

As Muslims, Kurds will prefer meat that has been butchered according to Islamic law. Such meat is sold at halal butcher shops, which are present in any American area with communities of Muslims.

Kurds observe the major Muslim holidays.

Religious Observances
Most Kurds observe the major Muslim holidays. The Islamic calendar differs from ours and is 11 days shorter. As a result, Muslim holidays rotate, occurring 11 days earlier each year. There are two major holidays, both referred to as 'Eid in Arabic (or [jazhan] in Kurdish): 'Eid-al-Qurban is the holiday of sacrifice, which centers around the ritual slaughter of a sheep or goat, with the meat then shared among family and community members. 'Eid-al-Fitr is the holiday at the end of Ramazan.

Ramazan, also spelled and pronounced Ramadan, is the month of fasting. During Ramazan, faithful adult Muslims refrain from eating, drinking, smoking, and other pleasures of the flesh from sunup to sundown. The times are clearly marked each day, and as soon as the sun has set, a large meal is served. This fasting is particularly hard when the weather is hot, and is also particularly hard on people who smoke.

Some Kurds may attempt to continue the Muslim custom of praying five times a day. Muslim prayers involve standing, kneeling, and bowing, and the one praying must face Mecca. Those who want to pray will appreciate your showing them which direction Mecca is in and giving them local landmarks so that they can tell which way it is no matter where they are.

If there are other Muslims besides the Kurds in your area, it is likely that a mosque (or a church that lends its facilities for Muslim services and gatherings) exists that your Kurdish friends can go to. Ask at a Middle Eastern grocery store for information.

Medical Treatment
Kurds—both men and women—are shy about undressing in front of others. A great deal of embarrassment and family honor can be saved by taking Kurdish women to women doctors, and Kurdish men to men doctors. If this is not possible, the male doctor should be warned that he might find himself examining a woman who refuses to take her clothes off, and with her husband present and answering all questions.

Animals
Like other Muslims, most Kurds consider dogs unclean and will be very reluctant to touch one. The Kurds who have had anything to do with raising animals may have had guard dogs for their flocks, but even so will not be used to the notion of dogs in the house. Service providers and others inviting Kurds into their homes should introduce the family pet gradually if at all, and be understanding if the dog is shunned. A Kurdish guest who has touched a dog will want to wash his or her hands, either immediately afterwards or most certainly before eating. Muslims do, however, like cats; the prophet Mohammed, the founder of Islam, was once said to have cut off the hem of his robe rather than disturb the cat sleeping on it.

Kurds are personally shy.

Men and Women in Public
Kurdish men and women, like other Muslims, will not touch or express affection in public, although they will express affection with members of the same sex. Our custom of expressing affection between the sexes will be a considerable shock to traditional Kurds; conversely, we Americans tend to be shocked to see men holding hands and kissing each other. It goes without saying that Kurds will be extremely embarrassed by movies or television programs that include sex scenes.

Probably the best time you can give your Kurdish friends is to take them on a picnic.

Entertaining
Probably the best time you can give your Kurdish friends is to take them on a picnic. Picnics are cherished affairs throughout the Middle East and involve elaborate food, drink, and much instrumental music, singing, and dancing. Show them where the picnic spots are in the area, and teach them the local laws with regard to littering, fires, alcohol consumption, and other aspects of outdoor entertainment.

Movies are popular among Kurds, and it would be worthwhile to locate a source for movies in Arabic. Try your videotape rental stores or possibly some of the mailaway video rental places. Middle Eastern movies tend to be adventure stories or the romantic kind with a chaste kiss at the end. A good language-teaching exercise is to show an English-language movie videotape: Summarize the plot beforehand, and stop frequently to ask and answer questions; if time permits, show the movie straight through a second time.

There are cable TV channels and radio stations that broadcast programs in Kurdish. These of course vary widely from area to area, but you can probably find the necessary details with a few calls to likely cable systems and stations in your area. VOA broadcasts in Kurdish can also be tuned in on short-wave radios.

It is of course part of the resettlement effort that Kurds be entertained in American homes. They should be "walked" through the entire process beforehand, and shown:

• how we issue invitations;
• who is expected to come (be sure they understand that a social invitation almost always includes the invitee's spouse, but not necessarily the children);
• how to interpret the agreed-on time (five minutes early is not appropriate; five minutes late is all right; twenty minutes late requires an apology; half an hour late requires an explanatory call);
• what to expect in terms of activities and meals; and
• when it is appropriate to go home.

They should be taught the difference between cocktail parties, dinner parties, open houses, and other social entertainment in the community. (This can be a wonderful conversation exercise in English classes: Compare entertaining customs here with customs in northern Iraq.) One predictable source of misunderstanding is that Middle Easterners, including Kurds, will refuse an offer of food two or three times, however hungry they might be. As our custom is to offer once and take the answer at face value, an American cook may have his or her feelings hurt when the Middle Eastern guests seem to refuse to taste a special dish. American hosts who are aware of this will ask three or four times, getting more insistent each time.

What to serve your Kurdish friends? Except for observing their religious customs about pork, serve whatever you would serve to American friends. The differences between American and Kurdish food can provide a useful source of conversation at dinner parties. An American hostess might also invite one of the Kurdish women to show her how to prepare a pilaf.

If your Kurdish friends express a wish to entertain you, encourage them to do so in a Kurdish way. They will be comfortable, you will learn a great deal, and you might be treated to some wonderful singing and dancing. Do not be surprised, however, if the men socialize with the men, and the women socialize with the women; separate-sex entertaining is the norm in Kurdish society, even among the more educated, westernized Kurds. An appropriate gift, then or at other times, might be flowers.

Holidays
While it is instructive and pleasant to include your Kurdish friends in our American holiday observances, particularly Thanksgiving and Christmas, it is their own holidays during which they will feel the most homesick.

The most important Kurdish holiday by far is Newroz, which occurs at the spring solstice on March 20th or 21st each year. If your Kurdish friends do not appear to be planning some kind of celebration, ask them what the American community can do to help them celebrate.

Other important holidays that might be celebrated are the major Muslim holidays mentioned above in the section on religion.

Clothes
Kurds like bright clothes and mix colors much more freely than we do. It might be useful to explain that we Americans are conservative about mixing colors, and that women who wear colors that "clash" will call attention to themselves.

Do not be upset if your Kurdish friends are not appreciative of used clothing.

As mentioned above, traditional Kurdish women wear loose pantaloons and over them a loose dress, and for warmth they frequently wear two, three, or four dresses. In the United States, however, doing so will make them look very strange. Older Kurdish women may need to be told as much and shown how we layer our own clothing, add sweaters indoors, and wear coats outdoors in cold or rainy weather.

If any of your Kurdish women friends sew, they will be delighted to be shown a fabric store where they can choose patterns and colors to their liking. And if any of them weave or embroider, by all means encourage them to do so; handiwork is a wonderful antidote to boredom and loneliness. The products make wonderful gifts, and might even become a source of income.

A Kurd's natural reaction to being stopped by a policeman is to flee.

Security
It is very important that your Kurdish friends learn to react to the police as people to trust or respect, rather than people to fear. A Kurd's natural reaction to being stopped by a policeman is to flee, and such a response in the United States can have disastrous consequences. Take pains to show your Kurdish friends where the police station is, and introduce them to the local police; explain the circumstances under which the police might stop a car; and do everything possible to ease their traditional fears.

Be on the alert, especially among uneducated Kurds, for signs that they are feeling threatened. In such circumstances, they are likely simply to disappear.

A special security issue among the Kurds is that the women are very likely to have brought gold and silver jewelry to the United States. In Kurdish society, wealth is often kept in the form of women's jewelry: Part of a bride's dress, for example, is massive amounts of gold or silver bought for her by her husband and his family. Without prying too much, you might explain what safety deposit boxes are, and that they are the safest possible places to keep valuables.

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